I hate you, Mark Zuckerberg.

Dude, Seriously! What was your problem? The world was a happy place. People derived joy from beautiful things and lived in the moment. And then, you came along. Your chauvinist Harvard going ass had some serious girlfriend issues that lead to a series of events and you came up with Facebook. Okay! I saw The Social Network and you deserved what you got. And look at what all that has led to. You have made people’s lives revolve around your stupid website.

Facebook is such a part and parcel of our life now that I log into it even before I check my e-mails in the morning. You’ve made me addicted. You are like most men. You are just cashing on the fact that most people take interest in what is going on in other people’s lives rather than their own. Yeah! But that’s not why I really hate you. You have caused people to a social status through your social networking site.

I was once talking with two of my friends and one of them was looking at a potential suitor. I asked my friend for his name and quickly tried to pull him up on Facebook, and he didn’t have an account. The other friend who is more of a nerd pulled his profile up on LinkedIn. But I involuntarily retorted, “No! He doesn’t have a Facebook profile. What kind of a person doesn’t have one. Reject him!?!” Now you see what my problem is. You realize what you have done to millions like me?

I hate being photographed. When I am out on trips with friends, be it at the beach, or at the mall, or at the Empire State building, I want to absorb the beauty of the place. You know, to see the beauty with my eyes and freeze a beautiful picture with my mind and keep it in my heart forever. Do you know what that feels like? But this is what I get.

Hey!!! Let’s pose.

Take a group picture. Take a solo picture.

Put this up on Facebook. Tag me.

Please don’t tag me.

No, don’t put this one up. I’m closing my eyes.

Take my FB display pic, na!

I’m looking too fat. Let me stand sideways. Take one more and yada yada yada.

Thanks to you! One of my friend always stands a little aloof from the group when we take group pictures. No hugging her or putting hands around her shoulder. Why? So that she can crop herself later on and use it as her display picture on Facebook. You know, you sorta brutally murdered and buried Orkut ruthlessly for most of us. We didn’t even have time to shed a tear and mourn over it. Well, the Orkut days. They were good times, you know. Because they let you know who visited your profile. If you fought with a friend were not on talking terms with them, you could find out if they still cared about you by seeing if they visited your profile page. Orkut had testimonials that you could beg your friends to write for you and then show them off to the rest of the world. You stupid Harvard dropout. You came up with the timeline, and the feature to edit comments and statuses, do you know that a testimonial means much more?

You make people depressed. Two years back, when I had just graduated and was desperately looking for a job, I used to Facebook a lot. One of my juniors had gotten married to this really handsome guy and they lived somewhere in Europe. This girl posted pictures with her handsome husband in the pretty backdrops of Europe every single weekend. I felt happy for her initially and wished her joy and all that. But you know, when you don’t have a job, and are worried about how to pay your bills, such happiness rubbed right into your face doesn’t help much. I hid her updates. Yeah! Such a killjoy. What could I do? I couldn’t hate Facebook then, I was addicted.

You know what else you have done to people apart from making them bury their heads into their smart phones and waste time on Facebook while sitting in a restaurant and caring as little as mosquito shit about talking to the person they are dining with? You have caused people to tag themselves all over Facebook instead of enjoying a movie at the theater or being excited about a ride at the amusement park.  And you have to trust me on this one, I heard that once a bridegroom was posting live updates during his wedding. I pity his poor wife. I really do. You also encourage people to stalk. Well, you may argue that you have worked really hard on your security systems or servers or whatever, and that people cannot hack and all that. But you know what, I got nearly 365 photographs from a friend’s profile for her calendar wedding gift. Of course, she is on my friend list but I could obviously access her friend’s friend’s photographs as well. Talk to my hand on this one because I a computer toddler who doesn’t even reset passwords and calls Customer Support to download a new antivirus software that is just two clicks away on Google for free.

Now I am an addicted Facebooker. And I am a normal girl. I sometimes share crappy and long status messages. I like it when people agree with me and I get mad when people don’t. So I won’t complain about everything. Mainly because I’m a software nitwit. I like the Timeline because I enjoy going back to see how much mature or dumb I have gotten over the last few years. It’s a good calender record. I also like the fact that you can edit stuff because I’m usually aggressive and type too quickly in haste. But I think what I liked the most thus far was that after one of my posts sorta went a little ‘viral’, I got a lot of appreciating messages from unknown people and I of course, totally and completely enjoyed the attention. There was this one guy who sent me his recorded songs. How sweet, no?

But here is why I actually hate you. Why does the world have to revolve around your website. Like it is some platform to declare love, express hatred, wage a war, and what not.

Three years back, I worked part time every weekend and used to get really tired. My room mate and one of my best friends had this annoying habit of not making her bed when she woke up. I told her a 100 times that it bothers me that she doesn’t fold her blanket when she wakes up and she really didn’t care. One evening, I got back from a 10 hour work shift and I saw that her bed was not made. I lost control and yelled at her and in a minute, we were calling each other names and it seemed to me that we would never talk to each other again in our lives. I was really angry and in no mood to apologize and stayed in the room. My friend banged the front door and barged out of the house. But can you imagine what she did before that? She sat in front of her computer for two quick minutes and removed me from her friend list. What the hell? I mean, seriously, I wanted to punch her face with her laptop. Of course, I barged out of the house too, and it turned out that we both went to the same place on campus to sulk. It was a beautiful fountain called The Lady of the Mist. So, I just decided to get over with the fight. The fountain tends to have that affect on you. We apologized to each other, came back home, had dinner, and we became friends on Facebook again. She continued to not make her bed and I learnt to deal with it.

Two years back, two of my best friends ganged up on me and drifted apart. Now this wasn’t the ‘make-your-bed’ type of fight. It was a serious one. And here is what these two people did. They blocked me. Like literally blocked me. And this was the time when I didn’t even know you could block people or whatever on Facebook. You know, again, because I am a computer toddler. I don’t know or care to explore all these stupid features that you have to offer. It was one thing to ‘unfriend’ me, but to block me??? Like I never existed or something. That was when I began to think. What’s this whole stupid deal with you? Why has your website gained such importance. It was during these times that I realized that if the both of us (me and my fighting friend) complimented a common friend, she would say, “Thank you Sahaja and blah blah.” And I would be looking for ‘blah blah’s’ comment there. Eventually, we all came back to our senses, and the blockers are one of my best friends again. So all is well now.

Until very recently. I got blocked, again. By somebody else. I mean, it hurts, pal! What do you stupid blockers even think? Why do you block people? To shut them out of your life? To prevent them texting you? Can you shut them out of your mind? What is it? Blocked on Facebook means blocked from the mind, eh?. Wow, masterji, what brain power, like it is some button with the on and off switch. Can you bestow your Baba Ramdev powers upon me too, please?

Yeah!Why is this moronish Facebook the declaring and deciding factor.  Whatever. I have always been and will always tug along with this over sized emotional cloak on me. That’s what always causes me to think like a drama queen with only my beautiful heart and not with my supposedly sane head. So I have many friends, I fight a lot, and always go back to being friends. That’s the way I am made. And that is why I cannot hate the blockers. And that is why I will not ask the blockers to grow a pair of extra arteries and ventricles that help their heart think better when they think about me. All I will do is channelize my energy towards hating you, Mr. Mark Zuckerberg. Because you created this mess and yet, at the end of the day, you got the girl you started off with. You had your happy ending. But remember, you are one additional reason why the world has a lot of fake smiles, artificial affection and empty love floating around.