The End? – Part 2

It took about two to three weeks for Katie Cornelius to be able to get past the blurry vision and begin to see clearly. Her new owner, Kevin Cornelius, a 32-year-old clerk who worked at the DMV office had undergone a Penetrating Keratoplasty, the kind that involved replacing the entirety of the corneas. Kevin had been asked to wear protective eye gear, stay off from sunlight and take it really slow to ensure proper recovery. So, his routine included plenty of downtime in the dark. This inevitably gave Katie a ton of time for rest, reflection and rumination.

Her mind’s eye kept dialing into the time slot between 2:00 – 2:22 pm on that fateful Saturday. “What if?” Katie wondered, “What if she had headed directly to the Aveda salon for her facial appointment and skipped walking into the Kroger for the Flat White? What if she had shaved a few minutes by skipping the Conundrum Red pickup and thereby saved herself her lifetime? What if Jake Lungston, the Checkout Assistant at Kroger, wasn’t busy helping another customer? What if her 11:30 am pedicure and manicure appointment had run long, and she didn’t have time for the Kroger stop at all? What if she had cared about protecting herself over a random slow-paced young boy? What if she had crawled right back into bed when she put on her new, warm sweatshirt, never stepped out of her home, and just snugged in bed watching Love is Blind that cold, Saturday morning? What if…. What if… What if… Perhaps, she would have been alive today. Given that it was a weekday, she’d have been at work doing fun things rather than worry about the dread that comes with working a boring desk job at the DMV office. If one were to look at Katie Cornelius future through her eyes, it wasn’t looking bright at all. 

While Katie Cornelius had trouble accepting her new reality, she knew she had to make the most of this opportunity. She decided to strike a deal with Kevin Cornelius. “Kevin,” she said, “I promise to heal well with no long-term challenges. Just promise me that once your vision is fully stabilized and the doctor clears you for screen time, we’ll watch Love is Blind together. I just need to feel like my life hasn’t been uprooted, and that there is some part of my old self that is still alive. I just want to feel relevant.”

Four months after the Keratoplasty, Kevin was cleared to read on his kindle. He was a voracious reader; the kind that reads a hundred books a year and stays active on one social media site only, Goodreads. “One episode of Love is Blind is all I ask for, Kevin, please?”, Katie pleaded. 

Bargaining is the third stage of grief, they say.

***

Michelle Hartman, a 45-year-old woman, was discharged to go home with Katie Hartman, two weeks after the heart transplant surgery. Michelle had a rare and severe combination of two life threating heart conditions: advanced heart failure and arrythmia. Michelle’s heart was unable to pump enough blood to her entire body and that combined with irregular heartbeat was fatal if shehadn’t gotten Katie to save her life. 

On the day of the discharge, Katie Hartman was very weak. She had no energy to fight, to be angry, to curse, to bargain or to wonder. She was simply tired and let the cardiac surgeon and Michelle have their moment. “You’re very lucky, Michelle,” Katie heard the surgeon say, “your stats look great and I’m confident that the risk of organ rejection or any other infection is rather low. That donor heart was a perfect match. Good luck and stay on top of your medications and I’ll see you in two weeks.” 

When the Hartmans, including Katie Hartman entered their home, Michelle’s two teenage kids had the entire place decorated with a “Wish you a speedy recovery” theme. It took Katie less than a day to realize how loved Michelle was by her family. Those kids were worth living for. Perhaps Katie’s death was not a terrible thing after all. Katie’s heart began to ache to see her brother and sister one last time. Just one more time. She knew that her brother would be in shambles right now, and her sister would bravely take care of whatever Katie had left behind to be taken care of. 

Just like that Katie began to cry. Inconsolably. When Michelle’s lungs reached out to Katie to wipe her tears, it dawned on Katie Hartman that there was no going back from this. It felt like an abyss of hopelessness that was strangely wrapped in a blanket of love from Michelle’s family. 

Depression is the fourth stage of grief, they say.

***

Katie Bones sat comfortably in a sealed tray in a -20℃ freezer. She had been shipped off to a Tissue Bank. She knew her fate and was very aware of the next steps. Katie Bones was more than ready for it. She would be cleaned, chopped up into at least 20 – 30 pieces, chemically processed into several implantable bone grafts kits, packaged and sterilized and shipped off to hospitals for use in orthopedic surgeries. 

The ultracold freezer was about 700 liters in volume and therefore, housed bone tissue from about 10 – 15 donors at any given time, each donor in various stages of tissue processing. Katie had been chopped up into 20 pieces and was awaiting chemical processing. She wondered how many packaged bone-graft kits she would yield because typically that would be the number of patients she would be able to help. Katie had quickly become friends with fellow donors in the freezer.  Michael Bones had just arrived for cleaning. Sarah Bones, like Katie, had just been cut into shanks. Tom Bones had completed chemical processing and was awaiting packaging. Tom had produced 110 bone graft kits. Allison Bones was ready to leave the freezer for packaging and sterilization. This also meant that they’d be saying their goodbyes to Allison today. That called for a going-away party. As Sarah, Katie, Tom and Allison cheered and celebrated Allison’s departure, they couldn’t help but hear Michael’s sobs. He was the new kid on the block. 

Michael was still processing, no, not chemically, but mentally. The freezer was Michael first stop after death. He didn’t want to be here. This seemed ridiculous. He was angry that the others were celebrating. “We are dead. This does not make sense. I was supposed to be in Florida, enjoying a beach vacation, not end up dead.” Michael yelled. Allison was the wisest amongst them all, so she looked lovingly at Michael, “I’m not going to tell you that it’s going to be okay, Michael, because it isn’t. There’s no okay or not okay anymore. This is it. And trust me, this is a happier place to be in. None of this may make sense right now, but I promise it will. You’re a good man, Michael, a noble one. I know that because you’re here, with us. You’ll smile when you’re ready, and I won’t get to see you smile, but Sarah, Tom and Katie will, perhaps. At least I hope they will, but you can never be certain of anything anymore.” Michael continued to sob with no reaction or response at all. 

“Life is so strange,” Katie Bones thought to herself, “it’s freezing in here, but yet it feels so warm sitting amidst my dear friends.” 

A few days later, Katie was up for further chemical processing, she had been divided into four processing trays. Two lab technicians were handling her, and they began to place each tray Katie was in under a laminar flow hood. As one of the lab techs carried the last tray across the cleanroom, his hands slipped and the tray along with Katie Bones came crashing onto the floor. Katie found herself scattered all over the cleanroom floor. 

Micheal yelled immediately from the freezer, “You dumb and stupid technician, this is donated human bone we’re talking about. Couldn’t you be more careful? Show some respect, man! Katie donated her body for god’s sake and now you have rendered her donation useless. Katie, are you okay? Just come back into the freezer, please.”

“I’m okay, Michael. It’s fine. I’m fine. I understand why you’re angry but really, I’m not upset. It’s great if I get shipped out as bone grafts but it’s also really okay if I go in the trash. It doesn’t matter anymore and that’s okay. Thank you for caring though. That means a lot.” 

Michael rolled his eyes at Katie and the lab techs who had begun to clean up the mess. One tray with Katie Bones in it went into the biohazard trash bag for safe disposal of biowaste. Three trays of Katie Bones finished their processing, packaging, sterilization and were shipped out to various hospitals. As Katie Bones left the tissue bank, she wondered how Katie Right Lungston, Katie Oliver, Katie Cornelius, and Katie Hartman were doing. But of course, she knew that she was never going to get an answer to that wondering.

They say that acceptance is the fifth and final stage of grief.   

***

11/24/2024 – Saturday

Maria Oliver walked up to the Starbucks counter in Kroger. “Can I get a tall hot Flat White, please, Jake?” she asked, as she read the Barista’s name tag.

“That’s the third in a row.” Jake Lungston muttered under a smile he was trying to hide, as he took the order. 

“I’m sorry?” Maria asked, puzzled. 

“Oh! Nothing ma’am. I have three consecutive orders of Tall Hot Flat Whites, that’s all. Your name, please?”

“Maria.”

Maria gauged her surroundings as she waited for her drink. A man stood by the bookrack near the Starbucks counter. He had a black book in his hands and was completely engrossed in its synopsis. Mimic by J. Scott Ehlert, the black paperback books sitting on the bookrack said. There was another woman who stood next to him, seemingly waiting for her drink as well. 

“Mom, we’re getting you balloons, flowers and your favorite wine to celebrate your one-year heart surgery anniversary.” A teenage boy yelled from the flowers section that was beside the bookrack. The boy had a bottle of Conundrum Red in his hands. The heart surgery woman nodded at her teenage son with glee as she also motioned him to quiet down. Maria looked at the smiling woman and remembered that she had just hit her one-year milestone for her liver surgery as well. 

Jake Lungston yelled from behind the coffee counter. 

“One Tall Hot Flat White for Maria, Kevin and Michelle, each!”

As Maria, Kevin, and Michelle approached the Starbucks counter to pick up their drinks from Jake, they looked at each other. And Katie Right Lungston, Katie Oliver, Katie Cornelius, Katie Hartman couldn’t help but burst into a wondrous smile. 

The clock on the wall behind the counter read 2:22 pm

***

The End? – Part 1

11/18/2023 – Saturday

Katie woke up with a smile on her face that Saturday morning. It was not just her day off from work, but it was a deliberately planned day of self-care. Katie had booked a 60-minute massage appointment at Massage Envy with her regular masseuse, Tracy, at 10 am. At 11:30 am, she was going to get a gel-manicure and pedicure at Nail Nirvana. She had decided to get her nails painted in bright red since December was nearly around the corner. Katie heard her nail specialist’s voice in her head, “You’ll come back before Christmas again to get new red nails, right, Katie? These won’t last through the holidays.” Her last appointment for the day was at 2:30 pm. It was for a 45-minute facial at the Aveda salon with Amanda, her usual esthetician.

Katie took a quick shower and put on her favorite peach-colored sweatpants. She skimmed through her closet. The week before Thanksgiving was the perfect weather for warm, fuzzy and oversized sweatshirts. She decided to wear her new grey sweatshirt that she had recently purchased from Target. Katie had had her eyes on that sweatshirt for three weeks and was excited to finally get her hands on it when it went on sale around Thanksgiving. As she slid the sweatshirt over the head, the comforting warmth from her outfit almost made her want to crawl right back to bed, curl up with a cup of hot cocoa and binge watch Love is Blind on Netflix. But she immediately shrugged off that lazy thought. After all, she had put in a ton of mental math and meticulously planned to perfectly align her day of self-care, including the cup of coffee she was determined to squeeze in at around 2 pm, after her mani and pedicure and before her facial appointments.

It was 2:05 pm when Katie pulled into the shared parking lot that housed both the Aveda salon and a Kroger. “Perfect timing,” she thought, “Just enough time to grab a cup of hot Flat White from Starbucks.” She stepped into the bustling Kroger, ordered her drink at the Starbucks counter located in one corner of the store, grabbed it as soon as it was ready and began to head out but paused abruptly. She could close out this relaxing, wonderful day with a glass of red wine. She quickly scuffled her way to the Wines aisle, headed straight to the Red Blends. It took Katie less than 10 seconds to find what she was looking for – Conundrum Red. She picked it up and hurried back to the self-checkout machines at the front of the store, by the entrance. Her watch read 2:15 pm. She took a deep breath.

“Relax Katie,” she told herself, “Today is supposed to be stress-free and fun. You’ll be on time for your next appointment. The Aveda Salon is a stone’s throw away from here.”

There were six self-checkout machines by the store entrance, three of which were open for use. Katie headed to one of the open machines, Flat White in one hand and Conundrum Red in the other. It was only when she scanned the bottle of red wine that she realized she would need the Checkout Assistant’s help to purchase alcohol. Her ID would have to be checked. She looked around for help and her eyes met with the Checkout Assistant’s, a boy, who was helping another customer. Katie raised the bottle of wine signaling for help and the boy acknowledged. He was young, couldn’t have been more than 17 years. She could tell that he was new to his job and was fumbling with the other self-checkout machine. Her watch now read 2:20 pm and she was growing increasingly impatient. “Why do they let these young kids work in the front of the store without proper training,” she wondered rather annoyed. It was 2:22 pm when the boy finally walked up to her. He had a sheepish look on his face and apologized as soon as he walked up to her.

“I’m so sorry to keep you waiting, ma’am, Saturdays are always busy,” he said as he swiped his card to allow her to scan the only item in her hand, “Here you go! Thank you for your patience.”

The single ding from Katie’s scan of the Conundrum Red and the multiple, continuous bangs of gunshots went off at the same time. From the corner of her eye, Katie caught a tiny glimpse of the active shooter at the store entrance. Her brain began thinking at an exponential speed. She had attended several active shooter trainings at her workplace, as if these things are the norm. There was a protocol to follow. But her body didn’t seem to fathom any of it. Her gut reaction was to put her arm around the young boy and slam him to the floor to protect him. As she did that, she fell to the floor herself. Once they were on the floor, she looked at the young boy. His eyes were filled with fear, his body was trembling, and he was gasping for air. “Why couldn’t he breathe,” her brain quipped, “Had she hurt him when she pushed him to the floor?” and then, she barely managed to mouth the words, “Stay down and don’t move, you’ll be okay.” She put her hand over his mouth to prevent him from screaming and drawing any attention from the active shooter. She never figured out the rest. She remembered catching a glimpse of the young boy’s Kroger outfit, the empty Starbucks cup now lying on the floor and lots of liquid around her. Katie couldn’t tell if the liquid was coffee, red wine or her own blood.

When the destruction subsided, the air was grey, and the floor of the grocery store was strewn with bullets, death, injuries and damaged groceries. The clock on the wall at the Returns and Exchange counter displayed 2:30 pm through its shattered glass.

***

Four hours later, the surgeon along with his resident walked up to Katie’s brother and sister in the waiting room. Katie’s siblings had been anxiously waiting while their sister was in surgery. All they were told was that Katie had sustained a bullet wound to her brain during an active shooting in a grocery store and had been immediately hauled into surgery. It looked like Katie’s brother had been crying inconsolably for the past few hours. Her sister, on the other hand, seemed somewhat more collected and had her arm over her brother’s shoulder as she consoled him.

The surgeon decided to talk to Katie’s sister. “We’re sorry. Katie sustained a bullet wound to her brain, specifically the cerebral hemisphere. We did try to operate and take the bullet out but the damage to the brain stem was extensive. She is now brain dead. She will not recover from this and we’ve lost her.” He paused to let that sink in as Katie’s brother fell to the ground and began sobbing loudly and uncontrollably. Katie’s sister let out a whimper along with quiet and painful tears and hugged the surgeon. She was unsure what else to do. The shocking news refused to sink in completely.

The surgeon continued, “I cannot begin to imagine how hard this is on you, but Katie is a registered organ donor. This implies her legal consent to donate organs. We’ve put her on a ventilator, are administering antibiotics and monitoring her metabolic balance to ensure that her organs and tissue are viable. I hate to bring this up right now, but we have a survivor from the shooting who needs a lung and Katie is a perfect match. We need to draw up the required paperwork to proceed with harvesting her organs immediately to save this survivor. We’d also like to ask you any questions you may be able to answer regarding her health history.”

Katie’s sister looked up from her silent sobs. “Yes, please,” she mustered the courage to utter coherent words, “Go ahead. It is what Katie would have wanted. To help someone in need. I’ll do my best to give you as much information as possible”

It was determined that Katie’s right lung, liver, and heart were viable for transplant. Since Katie had also pledged tissues for donation, her corneas and bone were deemed usable.

***

Katie Right Lungston was transplanted into a young boy. The boy, named Jake Lungston, was 17 years old and had survived an active shooting during his shift a Checkout Assistant at Kroger. Katie Right Lungston met Jake Left Lungston a few hours after she woke up.

Katie struggled to believe what had happened to her. It was as if she was waiting to get a facial one minute and the next, her life was reduced to a mere lung. She found it extremely difficult to adapt. She had been in a female body her entire life and she had been great at her job. As a female lung, she was good at diaphragmatic breathing or, in simple terms, breathing that requires more belly movement. Jake Left Lungston, on the other hand, was accustomed to thoracic breathing that utilized the chest and rib cage. It was his norm; he was a male lung after all. Katie, however, wasn’t the kind to completely ignore her job duties. So, slowly and steadily, she attempted to take diaphragmatic breaths.

It didn’t take very long for Jake to realize that Katie was out of sync with his breathing rhythm. He was already a larger lung in size, purely based on gender, so the lack in harmony was evident. But Jake was a patient and compassionate lung. His heart went to out Katie. He couldn’t imagine what she was going through. He was aware that organ transplants can typically mean unexpected deaths, so he decided to be supportive as Katie dealt with her new reality. But Katie gave him the cold shoulder. She refused to talk to him or even acknowledge his presence. Jake decided to pick up the extra work so the kid could continue to heal towards good health. He took deep and large thoracic breaths and tried to ensure sufficient oxygen flow to the entire body.

This continued for a few weeks. One day, an exhausted Jake reached out to Katie. He was aware that she was already struggling, even as she was trying to settle in her new space.

“Katie, I know it’s hard, but you do have to switch to thoracic breathing and get into rhythm with me. Jake Lungston is a tall kid. He needs us both.”

“Why do I have to learn to breathe like a man? I’m not going to live here forever. You and your sweet little Jake Lungston can reject me so I can go back to my life. I mean, there are literally no boobs here. How am I supposed to live in this inconducive environment?”

They say that denial is the first stage of grief. Katie simply chose to pretend that this whole thing was a dream. “I’ll wake up from this nightmare and it will be Sunday morning, and I’ll do normal Sunday things like laundry and then I’ll complain about how folding clothes is such a chore. This is just a dream,” Jake heard Katie whisper to herself repeatedly.  

“This is your new normal, Katie. This is it. You and I, we’re family now. We breathe for Jake Lungston. The boy you saved in the grocery store, remember?”

Katie Right Lungston ignored Jake Left Lungston. She was an avoidant, even in her life, so death couldn’t necessarily change that. If she denied it several times, the problem would simply go away. In fact, five years ago, when she walked up to one of the organ donation booths at the summer fair and filled out the paperwork to be a donor, she hadn’t really meant to donate her organs. She wasn’t going to die. She wasn’t dead! Jake Left Lungston doesn’t know what he’s talking about. This wasn’t it.

***

Katie Oliver woke up in a lot of pain after a strenuous and long surgery that she swore had lasted at least 10 hours. Her host, Maria Oliver, was 25 years old, and was suffering from severe Autoimmune Hepatitis. Maria had been waiting on a new liver for 77 days now.

The surgeon was ready to discharge Maria two weeks after her surgery. He carefully walked her through all the post-operative care instructions. He was very thorough. “This is very important, Maria,” Katie heard the surgeon say.

“My name is Katie, you moron,” Katie yelled at the surgeon, “You’re telling me that I have to take immunosuppressants for life so that Maria’s body doesn’t reject me. But you’re also saying that I could be prone to infection. How is Maria supposed to fight infection while you’re suppressing her immune system, you dimwit. Are you sure you went to medical school? And I’m supposed to never have another alcoholic beverage in my life? Are you serious? All I wanted to do was chill on a Saturday evening with a glass of Conundrum Red. Why is this happening to me. I don’t care about this Maria person. Just set me free. I don’t want to live here.”

Katie was trembling with rage. The rage was so intense that it turned into blobs of blood and tears. Katie hated it when her anger turned into tears. She felt like it made her look weak in an argument and she hated losing.

They say that anger is the second stage of grief.

***

To be continued..

Shooed Away!

The Flat Grey Rothy’s pair was the newest in the closet. He was a stranger in the truest sense, never broken into, and still smelt fresh, like just out of the box. He knew that she had had her eyes on him since Thanksgiving.  Every now and then, she would visit the website he was displayed on. She would hover over him with her mouse, add him to her cart, save and delete. Save and delete. Save and delete. For four months now. He remembered her internal conflict, the guilt she felt when she tried to convince herself that she deserved a pair of shoes that cost $120. The day she got her bonus, she didn’t hesitate. There was no hovering. The purchase had been made. He had been bought. He found himself being shipped to her home. He was excited.

His only physical memory of her was from the day he had arrived at her home. He had gotten a glimpse of her face when she excitedly opened the UPS box and tried him on her feet. He fit, perfectly. So off he went, onto the shoe rack. Where he waited to be worn, appreciated and fulfil his life’s purpose. Where he waited to be touched so he could belong.

He was the baby amongst all of them. In his vicinity, there were Ms. Pink Heels, Mrs. Beige Wedges, Mr. Everybody has a Black pair, Ms. Grey Boots, Mr. Brown Ankle Booties, Sir Striped Canvas, Ms. Pink Floral Sneakers, Beige Sandals Sr. and Jr., Mr. Mandatory Flipflops, Ms. Blue Slip-ons, and Old Warm Fuzzies. He could swear that there were at least another six pairs hanging on the closet door, and a couple of pairs in another hanging shelf. They may have been the irregulars, and therefore didn’t share space with him on the shoe rack, or they may be the regulars. He had no clue. He barely knew her. This was eight weeks ago. He hadn’t seen her since. Nobody in the shoe closet had.

***

The past few weeks had been interesting. The atmosphere in the closet oscillated between fear and hope. There was a lot of banter, to which he had very little to contribute to. He often found himself to be a mute spectator as he lapped up all the information he got about her. It warmed his heart to hear stories about her and he was in awe of how much his fellow-shoes loved her.

She is disciplined. She takes good care of us. She never wears us boots and sneakers without clean socks. She understands love, so she never keeps a pair apart. She is organized. We take turns to live on the shoe rack vs. hang on the wall vs. sit in the hanging shelf, it depends on the season. She is reasonable and fair that way. When you’re living on the rack, you always get arranged by her based on your color and heel size, so you look pretty on display. She reads instructions, carefully. She washes the ones she’s allowed to. Some of us get to hang out with the sun on her patio while we air dry. And oh! She has great taste. She never fixes us up with a wrong outfit. We are always given the opportunity to compliment her clothes. She has the tiniest of adult feet and they are always pedicured. She is considerate and mindful when she slips on of us on after her sweaty Hot Yoga class and let’s us breathe some fresh air right after. She never shares us with anybody else, so we never have the fear of misuse or abuse. She makes us workout and often takes the stairs instead of the elevator, it helps us stay active and fit. Visitors she values get to share the closet space with us, and the rest of them stay out. He had heard.

“So what do you think happened to her?” the Flat Grey Rothy’s asked curiously, “Why hasn’t this door been opened for eight weeks now. I want to be worn in the outside world. Isn’t she supposed to go to work? Where is she? Why haven’t we seen her?”

Many a thing had been considered. “Maybe she is sick,” Beige Sandals Sr. said. “She can’t be sick for eight weeks,” Ms. Pink Floral Sneakers said. “Or perhaps she went to visit her family in India,” Beige Sandals Jr. hopefully offered. “No, if she did, she would have definitely packed me with her luggage,” Mr. Mandatory Flipflops asserted. That was a fair point. Everybody nodded in agreement.

“Do you think she lost her job?” Ms. Pink Heels worriedly said, “I go with her to work at least twice a week. Maybe it is her job?”

“Maybe she got kidnapped?” Mr. Brown Ankle Booties said, “She watches all these murder mysteries, you know, maybe she is stuck in someone’s basement screaming for help. How can we call the cops? Think.”

“Or worse, what if she died? What if she left us forever and there is no more purpose for us in life!” Mrs. Beige Wedges exclaimed. She was always the worried one.

Everyone gasped in anger and then immediately, despair. The anger didn’t last for more than a few seconds, because this thought had crossed all their minds, but nobody had dared to say it out loud.

“Oh no! Please don’t say that she could have died,” squeaked Beige Sandals Jr.

“Is there anything else that makes more sense? She never skips stepping out for a day, even during the weekends. Why would she not peek into the closet and wear us for eight weeks. Is there a better explanation?” Mrs. Beige Wedges continued.

Even as the reality in their situation hit them, they decided to helplessly yet hopefully turn to God in prayer.

Ms. Pink Heels began, please, God, let her not be dead. I promise to stop gloating about how I match with almost every outfit of hers.

I promise to adequately cover the no show socks when she pairs me with them, Mrs. Beige Wedges said.
I promise to stop mocking at all of you and will drop the act of being the most popular color in the shoe world, Mr. Everybody has a Black Pair said.
I promise to stop bragging about how many compliments I receive when she wears me and how popular I am amongst her friends, Ms. Grey Boots said.
I promise to be modest about the fact that I’m an all-rounder, and can be worn during any season, Mr. Brown Ankle Booties said.
I promise to show humility every time she tells people that I am her most favorite and comfortable pair in the closet, Sir Striped Canvas added.
I promise that every time she tucks my laces inside, in front of her toes to make a style statement, I will not cause any inconvenience, Ms. Pink Floral Sneakers continued.  
I promise to be more co-operative and not throw tantrums when she takes the stairs instead of the elevator, Beige Sandals Sr. and Jr. said in unison, they were both 3-inch heels.
I promise to stop complaining about the breathless 24-hour travel time every time she takes me to India, Mr. Mandatory Flipflops said.
I promise to her less feet sweat when she puts me on, Ms. Blue Slip-ons said.
I promise to not hold a grudge against her because she hasn’t worn me in a year, Old Warm Fuzzies said.

Me too, Me too, Me too. Won’t hold a grudge. Please, God, let her be alive, echoed the Polka Dot Peep-toes, two Puma sneakers, and the Coral Green Ballet Flats from the hanging shelf. They hadn’t been outside in a year as well.

Finally, the Flat Grey Rothy’s squeaked. I promise to be comfortable and not give her a bite when she wears me on my first day outside.

You also must promise that you will never flaunt the fact that you’re the only washable, sustainable pair made from recycled plastic in the closet, everybody screamed in unison to the Rothy’s.

Alright! I promise, he said.

And so, they waited with bated breath for God to listen to and answer their prayers.

***

It was the ninth week. The door to the shoe closet opened. She stood there staring at them. They started back with a clear mixture of disbelief, bewilderment and a deep sense of relief. SHE WAS ALIVE. Her hair was in a tight bun. She wore her ‘stay-at-home’ glasses. And wait! What was up with her eyebrows. They looked like they had not been threaded for weeks. She was wearing her black, fuzzy sweater, the cozy, oversized one, with Mr. Faded Jeans. Everyone in the closet knew that this was one of her newer pair of jeans. As they let the huge wave of consolation, celebration, and joy of their prayers being answered wash over them, they knew one of them was going to get picked. The faded jeans; they always went with Mr. Mandatory Flipflops, Ms. Blue Slip-ons or one of the sneakers. It didn’t matter which one got picked. All that mattered now was that she wasn’t dead like they had feared.

She took a few extra seconds and scanned through all of them. It was almost as if she had missed them too. Very strangely, she picked Old Warm Fuzzies. By this point, Ms. Blue Slip-ons almost yelled, “I’d look better with Mr. Faded Jeans,” but restrained herself.

Bye and come back soon. Tell us what has been happening for the past nine weeks. You are our hope now. Everyone cried in sync to Old Warm Fuzzies.

***

Nine hours later, it was almost close to midnight, the shoe closet door opened again. They saw her worn out-self put Old Warm Fuzzies back on the shoe rack, shut the door and turn off the light.

All the pairs turned to him. “Tell us, tell us, tell us,” they screamed. “What is happening. Is she alright?”

“Calm down, I’ll tell you about everything I learnt.” And Old Warm Fuzzies began while everyone listened with rapt attention.

“She went to help her friend move to a new apartment this afternoon. The same old, you know, pack and unpack stuff. But the strangest thing was that she didn’t hug her friend as soon as they met.”

“What?! Are you serious!?” Ms. Pink Heels shrieked. “That is so unlike her. She is a hugger. Oh my god! Do you think she’s possessed? Maybe somebody’s spirit has taken over her body. That explains all of this, right? Her not coming to visit us every day?”

“Shhh… wait,” Old Warm Fuzzies said, “and listen. Okay, I’ll cut to the chase. There is a virus, called Coronavirus, and no, it is not named after the beer. The virus is extremely contagious and causes flu like symptoms but can cause far worse respiratory problems, and even death. It apparently started in China and then spread widely across the globe. The WHO has declared that this extremely dangerous virus is a global pandemic and basically most countries are on a complete lockdown; meaning offices, restaurants, shops, malls, pretty much all public places are closed since this virus can spread through respiratory droplets, when someone coughs or sneezes or speaks with you. People have been asked to maintain a six. ft distance from one another, not shake hands, wear masks in public places, not gather in groups, and so on.”

“Ah ok! That’s why she didn’t hug her friend,” Ms. Pink Heels heaved a sigh of relief. “What about her office. Is that why she isn’t going to work. Is that why she doesn’t wear me twice a week?” As soon as she uttered the words, she realized it sounded selfish on her part, and bit her tongue.

“Yes,” Old Warm Fuzzies said, and rolled his eyes. “I was able to get more information from Mr. Faded Jeans. Her office building is closed but everyone is working from home. He said that they have been up to date with the news because she still visits them every day. Of course, clearly, one needs clothes more than they need shoes,” he added uncomfortably.

“But what about food? Groceries? She had to have stepped out at some point?” Mr. Brown Ankle Booties inquired. “How did she not visit us then?”

“Great question!” Old Warm Fuzzies said. “You remember Mr. Light Grey Loafers?”

Mr. Brown Ankle Booties sighed, “Yes, he was one of her favorites. But we haven’t seen him in at least six months. We all assumed that he got lost when she took him to Boston.”

“So, he isn’t lost. Mr. Faded Jeans says that she usually pairs him with Mr. Light Grey Loafers during her grocery trips. He’s sitting in the trunk of her car and she walks directly to the car, puts him on, buys groceries and comes back home. There may be some fear about catching infection from outside. So apparently, she’s been wearing the same oversized, black fuzzy sweater, Mr. Faded Jeans, and Mr. Light Grey Loafers, and she puts the clothes in the washer right after her trips.”

“Which is why she never visited us. Makes sense,” Ms. Grey Boots said, “Why do you think she picked you today instead of picking the pair from her trunk?”

“Well, my best guess is that it was going to be a long day and it was chilly too. So, she may have wanted to wear something warm and comfortable while she’s up on her feet all day.” Old Warm Fuzzies said without hiding his sense of pride.

“How is she doing otherwise, handling this whole world-shutdown situation. She isn’t used to working from home and her overgrown eyebrows have gotten me really worried about her,” Sir Striped Canvas asked. He always was the one with the matured and balanced mindset.

“Yes, we miss her. How is she doing, really?” They asked in chorus.

“Based on what I gathered from Mr. Faded Jeans, she is giving the situation her best. You know how accepting she is of both, her strengths and vulnerabilities, how she respects her bravery and adaptability but also embraces her weaknesses and moments of despair. Sometimes, she works in her PJs all day, and on others, she dresses up. She takes a walk around the pond every evening while listening to music, and of course takes Mr. Light Grey Loafers with her. She has a newfound love for hair care. She hasn’t put make up on in weeks, and Mr. Faded Jeans was telling me that everyone in the wardrobe was discussing about how beautiful she looks without it. And I had to agree, because she looked her rawest and prettiest when I spent the day with her today. The people in her wardrobe definitely have the added advantage of seeing her every day and being more up to date with the news. She also spends more time talking to her friends on videocalls, is cooking regularly, eating healthier, but she does say that she misses her family a lot, and can’t wait to book the first flight home to visit them once the lockdown is lifted.”

 “Yay! I can’t wait to be packed, go on a 24-hour flight journey and visit family.” Mr. Mandatory Flipflops chirped.

Everyone laughed. A sense of solace filled them. They hadn’t lost her. She hadn’t shooed them away. They were still hers. They just had to wait it out. Better times are coming, they reminded themselves!

***

That night, the Flat Grey Rothy’s didn’t feel new, didn’t feel like a stranger, and didn’t feel like a baby anymore.

He felt like he belonged even though he hadn’t been touched.

Breaking gender stereotypes

To those women,
The one who impatiently taught me how to drive with ease and sold to me, my first car.
The one who helped me see the regularity in being inclined to whiskey over wine.
The one who handily fixed my dresser after my movers, Two Men and a Truck, messed up its drawers.
The one who supportively held my hand as I mustered the courage to ask a guy out on a date.
The one who effortlessly trained me to get under the car hood for minor fixes.
The one who blatantly raved about Amazon’s bestselling vibrator.
The one who casually defied the institution of marriage and remained single.
The one who passionately made a grand career with unflinching persistence.
The one who methodically rolled my first joint.
The one who apologetically took a day off from work to go and watch her favorite IPL team play in the stadium.
The one who unemotionally reserved one night stands for sex only.
The one who simply refused to learn to cook or give up on the comfort of eating out.
The one who naturally sported loose, ill-fitting clothes and despised make up.
The one who excitedly walked into the medical shop to buy Rum and Raisin flavored condoms.
The one who plainly dissed the idea of washing down heart break with a bucket of ice cream.
The one who calmly excels at and enjoys working a lathe.

 

To those men,
The one who unabashedly ordered a raspberry pink cocktail at the bar.
The one who eagerly walked into the kitchen and made a meal for his family after a tiring day.
The one who comfortably sat in the passenger seat without the fidgeting itch to drive while I sat in the driver’s seat.
The one who extraordinarily chose to pursue a career in nursing and made women feel comfortable at the Ob-gyn clinic.
The one who sentimentally sports a baby pink breast cancer ribbon tattoo on his wrist along with a magenta t-shirt.
The one who audaciously fell in love with a woman who was older than him.
The one who consciously chose to be a home maker while his woman pursed her career.
The one who tenderly shed tears when in pain and needed a hug for consolation.
The one who trustingly sought my advice on stock investing.
The one who brilliantly put forth his opinions on Jane Austen’s work and dissected the multiple layers of Mr. Darcy’s character.
The one who fairly took no offense when his date suggested they split the check.
The one who bravely spoke about the trauma of child abuse after years of silent suffering.

 

Wordplay

This wasn’t new to her. But every time she did it, she was as nervous as she was the first time. She mustered courage and confidence, paired with more certainty of acceptance than rejection, and walked up to Rajan.

“I waited to see if you’d say something. I do not want to live under the fake label of friendship anymore. I am attracted to you and would like to ask you to go out on a date with me.”

“What? You must have misunderstood. I’ve never looked at you that way,” Rajan replied.

“But… but.. yesterday, you said you admired me deeply and you felt like kissing me,” she stuttered.

“Yes?!” his tone turned into defensive arrogance. “I do feel like kissing you. Kiss as an adjective, not as a verb.”

“Excuse me?” she shrieked in an intentionally loud voice, confused.

“Kiss as a verb is the ‘act of kissing’, you know, like the ones you see in an Emraan Hashmi movie. Kiss as an adjective is the ‘better description of a feeling’, like the description of my admiration or endearment for you. I would say the same thing to any of my friends, honestly. I cannot believe you would confuse one with the other and question the sanctity of our friendship. I’m so disappointed in you.” Rajan concluded.

That was the most repulsive bucketload of shit she had heard. Fuming, she walked away that day and swore to herself two things: one, she would never let a guy lead her on under the pretext of false friendship, two, she would never ask a guy out.

***

Ram and her, they definitely started out as friends. She was trying to get rid of her old dining table, so she could buy a new one. He found that out through a common friend and offered to take it, for money, while she had strictly refused.

“The dining table is almost five years old. It’s not in its best condition. I got it for $100. I couldn’t really accept money for it. If you didn’t offer to take it, I would have simply trashed it anyway,” she explained.

“How about we make even deal, something that both of us are comfortable? Maybe I buy you dinner, or bottle of wine, perhaps?” Ram suggested.

“an even deal, comfortable with, a bottle of wine” she mentally corrected him and said, “I’m a whiskey girl. How about a bottle of Woodford Reserve instead?”

“Done.”

They had been friends for a few weeks before he invited her home for dinner. After a sumptuous meal, a movie and couple of drinks later, she was ready to call it a night.

“I’ll walk you home. Wait,” Ram hurriedly stood up.

“No! My apartment is about 500 feet away and I’m an adult. I don’t need you to walk me home. I’m fine.”

“You don’t need me, but I want to.”

“need me to…. “her mental voice edited.

“I’d  walk home with my girl-friends, so I guess it’s alright for Ram to walk me home. We are friends now,” she justified.

They walked the 500 ft lost in conversation.

***

“Are you busy this weekend? How about movie tomorrow?” Ram asked.

“a movie,” she subconsciously corrected, “How hard is it to use articles while speaking in English?”

“My friend is visiting from out of town and I promised to entertain her all weekend,” she answered.

“Oh! So you’re busy? Would you mind if I tagged along?” he asked cautiously.

“Well, I’m not sure. I’ve known this friend for 25 years now, and we have a whole history going. Our conversations may not even make sense to you. Frankly, you might be bored. Do you really want to hang out with us?”

“Absolutely. Especially if she is such an important friend for you. I would love to get to know her, make good first impression, and learn more about you from her, get to know you even better.”

“friend to you, make a good first impression.”

She was a little skeptical. His words, their conversations had started to slightly get more perplexing. The point of perplexity wasn’t the grammar anymore. But she hesitantly said yes anyway.

Her friend, Ram and her, they spent the next two days exploring the city. There was axe throwing, bar hopping, dinner on the cruise, an aquarium tour and golfing involved. He made every effort to ensure that the friend from out of town was engaged. He asked a lot of questions about her, wanting to learn about little bits of her past; what she was like in school, what her nickname was, what sport she enjoyed playing, which teacher vehemently hated and punished her, who her first crush was, all the minute details that nobody else had shown genuine interest in. When she listened to their conversation, she almost found it cute. His eyes got big in wonder as he learned about her adventures, he laughed whole heartedly at the silly stories, and he teased her playfully about the notorious incidents.

“This one, your friend. I tell you, she is irresistible. She has two things that are infectious; her enthusiasm and her laugh. Ease with which she always breaks into smile and her uncontained, zealous spirit are my favorite things of her,” Ram said at the end of the day, to her friend.

“The ease… a smile… about her….” Her mind chirped.

***

“Do you see what I see?” her friend asked.

“What do you mean?” she said, feigning foolishness.

“You idiot, Ram likes you. He’s into you. Do you not see it? He spent the entire day asking, seeking, learning about you, gathering anecdotes about your life. I saw the way he looks at you, smiles at you, makes sure you are comfortable, inquired if you were cold on the cruise, argues with you, playfully mocks yet stops teasing you when he realizes he’s going too far, all of it, it mandates his interest in you. Ask him out, will you?”

“I’m not sure anymore. Guys. They are complicated. I can’t ignore the ‘hints’ but I’ve been scarred in the past. Remember Rajan? His speech on English language when I asked him out on a date. Also, have you noticed how Ram refuses to acknowledge the existence of articles and constantly uses prepositions incorrectly. I don’t think I can be attracted to someone who does that. Okay, forget the grammar, you know I’ve…..”

“Yes, yes,” her friend interjected with an eye roll, “you’ll never ask a guy out. I’m simply saying that Ram wouldn’t say ‘no’ to you, all the signs are there. You’re being an idiot if you choose to ignore them.”

***

After dinner at his place, she stood up, put on her shoes and waited for him. It was now a tradition, their tradition. He walked her home every night after dinner.

That night, as they walked next to each other, he simply outstretched his left hand, took her right hand into his and continued walking. Neither did he say a word, nor did she pull away, and so they continued to walk the remaining 485 feet in silence and comfort.

Had she grown to like him a lot more? Was she attracted to him? She tried to find answers to these questions as they stood outside the door of the apartment. She faced him to say, ‘good night’ and began to slide her hand away from his grip, only to realize that he pulled it back.

“I have a little something for you,” he said and paused.

She looked into his eyes, with a mixture of anticipation and hesitation. He slid his right hand into his pocket and took out a small bottle. It was a less-easily available Willet Pot Still Woodford Reserve Mini bottle. The excitement in her eyes particularly evident.

“I was flying by Memphis, saw this in one of duty-free shops. I got two bottles. One for you, and one for me,” he smiled shyly and handed her his bottle.

“through Memphis… one of the duty-free shops… I didn’t know you like bourbon too,” she exclaimed in surprise.

“Well, I’ll blame it on you. Your choice, your taste in bourbon is infectious.”

She was unsure what to say. He had said many words, they just weren’t the ones she wanted to hear.

***

He had been sick for two days. She went over to his apartment, made a cup of tea for his sore throat, handed it to him and sat herself on one end of the couch. He sat at the other end.

“I can’t believe you are going vacation for two weeks. How did you even accumulate that much vacation time? I don’t want you to go. My viral fever, it is infectious. Come over here,” he said signaling her towards himself, “I could pass along my germs for you. You and I, we could be sick together and you wouldn’t have to go away for two weeks.”

“on vacation…” the grammar Nazi began proof reading while her heart terminated the exercise. It didn’t matter, the poor English, the Articles, the prepositions, his awful taste in music, his childishness, his jealousy, his mediocre sense of dressing, nothing mattered anymore, except him.

“I’ve been planning this vacation for four months now. As much as I want to stay back, I really must go,” was all she could say.

He was too sick to walk her home that night, but before she left, they stood by his door, he reached out and hugged her, and continued to hug her for two minutes.

“I’ll miss you,” she said, unsure what else to add.

“And I adore you, you have no idea how much I do.”

He had said many words, they just weren’t the right ones.

***

While on vacation, she realized how much she wanted to be with him, and was convinced that he wanted the same, and decided to ask him out upon her return.

Yet again, with confidence and the certainty of acceptance, she sat at her, his, five-year-old dining table, the one that had started it all and gathered the strength to say,

“Ram, I’m attracted to you. The way you show respect to me, understand me, comfort me, adore me, walk me home, give me really long hugs, hold my hands, look at me, don’t judge me for my choices, have that little twitch in your smile when you are losing an argument to me, express that harmless jealousy when I talk about my ex, everything, I like all of it. I could play dumb and flirt with you for another six months while you do the same, but it is not worth my time. I feel that we are way past being just friends. So, I need to know if I can take you for dinner. Consider it a date?”

“What? Why would you think that I’m interested in you? You have clearly misunderstood my intentions. You’re nothing but a good friend,” Ram hissed sharply.

“But.. but… you said, you’d miss me while I was gone for two weeks, that you wanted to pass your infection to me…. ” she stammered.

“Yes?!” his tone turned into defensive arrogance. “I did say that I wanted to give you my virus. I spoke about infectious, not contagious transfer. I would say that to any of my friends honestly.”

“Excuse me?” she said, clearly shocked, trying to make sense of what he said.

“Infectious diseases spread through environment. Not all infections are transmitted contagiously, through physical contact, you know. Some infectious bacteria or viruses can be transferred via nonphysical avenues. My viral fever is infection, but I didn’t meant that I want to contagiously transfer you. I cannot believe you would confuse one for the other and put our friendship in jeopardy. I’m so disappointed in you.” Ram concluded.

“the environment… an infection…” the grammatist in her no longer cared. She stormed out, refusing to validate his theory with a response.

***

Children Listen.

She summoned the 14 year old me to the school staff room. I knew this wasn’t good news as I nervously stood at the staff room’s entrance.

“You don’t deserve the opportunity to be in the school band. You know why? It is your smile. It is very snake-like, very sly. And what is there to constantly smile about? Only mad people do that, smile without a reason. Are you trying to impress the boys?

Do you know the repercussions of that smile? Draupadi once laughed when she shouldn’t have, at Duryodhana, in the Palace of Illusions and eventually a war ensued. That’s the implication of a woman’s unwanted and dangerous smile,” she said.

“I will never smile unnecessarily,” my confused self pleaded shedding copious tears as I continued to stand helplessly, my head hung in shame in a room surrounded by teachers, “All I want is to be a part of the band team.”

***

I worked hard.

I learned to suppress my laughter.

I became very conscious about her smile.

Initially, I stopped smiling often.

Eventually, I ceased to smile.

I tried to turn into the girl she wanted me to become.

But.

I never played in the school band.

She had emerged victorious, taking away from me what mattered the most at that time.

I lay in shambles, defeated.

I pledged to myself. That one day I would have my revenge. I would win and she would lose.

***

Nineteen years later,

“Are you even aware of how gorgeous you look when you throw a simple smile on your face? It almost lights up the room,” my cousin cheerfully said.

“That smile of yours, it is contagious, and makes it impossible for me to be angry with you,” my boyfriend grudgingly said.

“A custom-word ring for yourself? Peace? You can get the word ‘peace’, but how about ‘smile’ instead, it defines you more aptly,” my coworker casually said.

“Are we at risk? You aren’t yourself today, you’re not smiling. That worries me,” my Project Lead speculatively said.

“You have a beautiful smile, never lose that,” my friend lovingly said.

Just like that, after all these years, I let go, unconsciously.

Winning or losing didn’t matter anymore.

– Children listen. With their ears and etch on their minds.

Five Elements – Fire

He asked me to log into Yahoo Messenger.

He ordered me to turn on my webcam.

My heart fluttered with ecstasy. I hadn’t seen him for two days.

 

His face was pale, as always.

He picked them up one after another and showed them to me.

The dark blue denim jeans.

The grey and white shirt.

The wine red tie.

The dusky brown wallet.

The woven black bracelet.

They had been carefully collected over the past two years, the tangible evidence of my undying love for him.

 

Oh yes, and the journal too.

My journal. To him. That told the story of us from the day it had all begun.

 

And then, silently, he set them on fire.

With the really sleek, rose gold cigarette lighter.

The lighter that demanded from me, my dinner for two months before I could afford to lay my hands on it.

 

How was it possible that all the salt water brimming in my eyes was incapable of dousing the fire?

As I continued to watch the evidence slowly melt away, I couldn’t necessarily tell the exact color of that brightness.

 

Strangely enough, he hadn’t laid a single finger on me.

Simply yet.

On his balcony floor lay my heart.

And my soul.

In a pile of ashes.

Without a point of resurrection.

Five Elements – Wind

She stood by the parapet wall.

Dark clouds descended and cold air ascended.

Chill breeze brushed her hair away from her face.

She gracefully placed the Gold Flake Kings in her mouth and tried to light up a match.

The wind around her blew out the little fire.

Neither had she been a customary inhaler of this morbid smoke.

Nor was this her initial choice.

 

**

Her mind floated weightlessly into the past.

Propelled by a flurry of memories.

Willing to reach stagnation only when the outline of his image intensified.

The picture of him inhaling and exhaling toxic grey air.

Her dearest memory of him was the deep sense of melting perfection she experienced when her lips met his for the first time.

Soft and intense, so infused with nicotine.

Choicelessly she swayed from aversion to appreciating its flawlessness.

She no longer wanted to taint her lips with any other type of kiss.

 

**

Now all she had was his brand.

She had turned from passive to active.

The taste of nicotine in her mouth.

The smell of smoke in the air around her was her only streak of connection with him.

It lead her to believe they still belonged like a song in the wind.

Even if it was for one fleeting, unrealistic moment.

Dodging the misty air, she struck the match again and cupped her palms to light her obsession rolled in brown and white paper.

As her lungs got a shot of the polluted air, a whimpered cough escaped from them.

Hopelessly they looked at their neighbor, her heart and inquired,

“Why do you do this to us? Isn’t it easier to simply let go?”

 

Her heart whispered,

“Oh, how could you two possibly fathom. To love fairly and incessantly is all you know. Left lung and right lung, you were born together.

Raised together.

Fell in love.

And became soulmates.

What do you know about loss?

My loss.

The permanent loss of the only heart I effortlessly connected with.”

Her lungs drowned in another gust loaded with tobacco.

Inching towards their doom.

Her heart reached elation and looked at them.

“Lucky bastards, even in their death, they go hand.”

Then. Now. Beyond.

THEN-
With every beginning I wished for the end,
How could eight hours seem like eternal.
Across me, you sat, just shy of a brawl,
I could tell we made each other’s skin crawl.

New, lost, and defeated I felt, as if I were stuck in an abyss,
How strangely my loneliness had meticulously creeped from red to swings.
And yet, I reminded myself that I left the old and chose the new to serve a specific purpose,
So I tugged along grudgingly with no remorse.

Anger, jealousy, and greed are a few innate emotions,
Hatred strangely surpassed and triumphed them all.
I realized, what was worse than your abhorrence,
Was the way you looked right through me like I was transparent glass, with pure nonchalance.

One unexplained, bitter-sweet gloomy winter morning, for me your eyes searched,
In tolerance they waited and watched. Until upon you, my eyes, I laid,
Your unflinching gaze conveyed volumes, and yet, no words were said.
But confusingly enough, when your lips parted,
I didn’t hear much but spontaneous disdain.
It made me cross,
That your looks and lips reeked of contradiction, playing a game of such brutal polarity.

NOW-
You tap that corner in the deepest, darkest of places,
The one that I convinced myself I was too broken to embrace.
If perception could be a pure, simple language,
Would you converse with me thus forever, from your eyes to mine, through this secret passive passage.

To be impressed and go weak in my knees,
To sway me until I fall head over heels.
All you had to do was sprinkle some intelligence and some arrogance,
Some observance and some perseverance.

How have you jolted awake the teenager in me?
Was it this wonderfully sweet to be sixteen?
Every dawn I hope we chance upon one another,
For that to materialize, several cups of terrible espresso I choose to endure.

My heart has been shattered in the past and played plenty a musical chair,
But to slyly be seated next to you is about what I care.
As you sincerely slice that engineered piece in solid works,
I want to compel you to peel my intricate layers and delve into the farthest corners of my mind, or maybe simply and freely plunge in and fathom my spirit.

When you often travel into the blue skies and across oceans,
So far away from me, remotely above the clouds.
I question, I demand, I struggle,
How is this possible, for us to be divided by land and yet be so united in space?

BEYOND-
Hate is a strong word, you told me,
You have me pondering what hurts more though.
To hate or to love,
Somehow whichever one I pick lingers of an un-numbing ache.

If I am prejudice, will you be my pride?
If I am the half blood princess, will you be my muggle prince, and hopefully this time around, we will be staring at the same tide?

If you dipped a finger into your ivory white skin and then touched my desert brown, will that mixture feel like the color of love?
If your belief in the cross and mine in the primordial tone engulfed one another just as one wave embraces the other, will that comfort sound like love?
If the east and the west turn into momentary mirror reflections of each other, as they birth and devour the sun incessantly, will that serenity look like love?
If your intense and dark bourbon like bitterness dampens my spicy chai like zesty temperament, will that saccharine fragrance smell like love?
If your perfect red lips met and kissed my dusky, bruised soul once, just once, will that fieriness taste like love?

Will this kind of love that completely engulfs my five senses be called perfectly, wholesome, pure love?

Is it possible then,
That with every end I wish for this beginning,
And eternal can seem like eight hours.

Learning to live with a broken, grieving heart

Earlier this year, my father was diagnosed with a very rare type of cancer; cancer in the duodenum. Having been a student of the sciences for the entirety of my life thus far, the first thing I did when I got this news is, look up what part of the body duodenum is. I didn’t even know if I was pronouncing it right.

But that is the ruthlessness of the C. It teaches you everything in a very short period of time. It teaches you anatomy, it teaches you that there is no prevention for this dreadful monster, it teaches you that you can only treat it but perhaps never cure it, it teaches you about surgical options, it teaches you all about chemo and radiation, it teaches you about their side effects, it teaches you to fight a battle with all your might and resources, it teaches you to have hope for remission, it teaches you to live with the fear of recurrence, it teaches you the value of life, it teaches you about winning the battle.

What the C doesn’t teach you though, is how to continue to survive when you have lost a loved one to it.

Yes, my father, my Nanna, succumbed to the C.

There. That is the first time I have actually said the words out, even in my head.

There are two reasons why I am actually writing this:

1. I realized that death is such a taboo topic for most people. I’m not sure if it is cultural or if it is just human nature across borders. Some people are just too afraid to talk about it. Some people desperately want to offer some kind of moral support, but just do not know what to say. They wonder what the right thing to say is. Nobody actually teaches us how to console or offer support to a heart broken person. Some others speak with you, and just skip the topic and try to shove it under the carpet with small talk, while your grief sits in the corner of the room like an elephant. I was overcome with emotion most times, but was also appalled by some insensitive conversations, and rather shocked by some people’s lack of sympathy.
2. My Nanna was a writer and a poet himself, a really good one at that. He was always very proud that I sought to pursue writing, in some way. And writing about this, is my way of dealing with my grief. Also, if it can help bring some sort of consolation to at least one grieving soul out there even for a few minutes, I am sure Nanna would be smiling down at me, wherever he is.

This part, the past few months, has been the hardest phase of my life. I remember thinking that my break up with my first boyfriend was the worst pain that could be inflicted upon me, but it makes me laugh at myself now. Losing a parent is far, far, far worse. This has to be the worst thing that can happen to anybody. But, nevertheless, I have found some coping methods that are helping me to learn to live with a broken, grieving heart. So I decided to write about them. All of these may not necessarily apply to a person dealing with the loss of a loved one, but that’s the magnanimity of grief and loss, nothing can wholly describe or completely encompass it.

1. Try to Have no Regrets:

Regrets are nothing but injurious to you. It may be impossible to not have regrets, like, you could have said this, or done that, or just paid attention, etc. And that is why I said try. It is okay, remember you cannot change what has happened and remember, things could have been far worse. Do not regret the things you could have done for them, be it that you didn’t call them more often, or meet them more often, or they didn’t see you graduate, or that they didn’t see you get married, or they didn’t see you have kids and so on. Nobody goes away satisfied. They could still have one more unfulfilled wish.

I was continents away from my Nanna went he went away since he was coping so well and then suddenly, my whole world crashed to the ground, without any notification. I regret not being there, I regret not getting to say my goodbye, but I shudder at the thought of being there and having to see him on a ventilator struggling to survive.  It is more comforting to hold on to an image of him laughing with me, discussing his favorite books with me, or simply being the strong father he always was. So try to let go of the regrets and hold on to the happier memories. Do not let the Dementor of Regret feed upon your grieving soul. Think of the things you did that made them happy, have multiple Patronus’. They help.

2. Avoid the What-Ifs and Buts:

The mind plays very dangerous games on you. It tries to draw you into a game of ‘What if we have done this instead of that’ or ‘But this didn’t happen to XYZ’s uncle’ or ‘Maybe we should have seen a different surgeon’ or ‘What if we had tried Ayurveda instead’ and so on. All this does is it sends you down a spiraling path of no return. Life is a bitch, and some things are just not in your control and sadly, you have to learn to live with this bitter truth for the rest of your life. Yes, things could have gone differently, and if they did go differently, maybe you could have had a few extra months and perhaps done everything they wanted to do and then what? Even if every sequence of the What-Ifs and Buts went right, nobody is ever going to be ready to let go of their loved one. Nothing can prepare us for this. So do no fall into this limbo.

Instead, maybe, now you couldperhaps check off something on their bucket list for them. My Nanna always dreamed of going to China and so I have decided to go there next year, and do the things he always wanted to do. Mostly for his sake, but also for the sake of my own grieving heart.

3. Anger Vs Acceptance:

Sometimes I am extremely angry that this happened to me. That I have to suffer this way. On some days I feel suffocated and chocked and irritated and angry. I did not deserve this. There are times when I still hope that I will finally wake up and realize that this is just a bad, horrible dream and that everything is okay back home. Oftentimes, I feel like an atheist, other times I feel agnostic. Some times I am sitting in a team meeting and have tears in my eyes for no apparent reason, other times I listen to really sad songs because I want to make myself cry. I am angry that certain friends haven’t called me after learning about my loss and offered support, and I am angrier that some close friends haven’t said the right things to me. I want to scream when people ask me, ‘How are you?’ I want to snap back saying, ‘I’m not fine, I have never felt this shattered before and the pain never seems to end,’ but you are supposed to gulp everything down and simply say, ‘I’m doing alright.’ I am angry that people don’t ask something more sensitive like, ‘How are you doing today?’ or ‘How are you holding up?’ or simply, ‘Hang in there.’ It suffocates me that I still have my Nanna’s number saved on my phone but I simply cannot pick up the phone and call him anymore or receive any ‘missed calls’ from him.

ALL THIS IS OKAY. You can be angry and you don’t have to accept what has happened. You can keep that saved number on your phone forever and never delete it. I am not asking you to get all delusional but, if you just lost someone you knew ever since you were in the womb, it is alright to be angry and not reach the acceptance stage of your grief.

And let me tell you this, you probably will never reach the acceptance stage and that is okay too. To think that you have them watching over you, guarding you and wishing the best for you is completely normal.

Ever since this has happened, all I can tell people is: My Nanna had the C and he didn’t make it or everything happened so fast and is over. I haven’t been able to bring myself to utter the actual words used in the English language, even the flowery ones. I feel that if I uttered them, they might actually become true.

4. Keep Away the Negative Energy:

Do not let the negative energy become a priority. What nobody teaches you is that all rituals, irrespective, which religion you belong to make mourning very taxing. I do not question religion or rituals but families often prioritize ritualistic practices over people’s loss. Nobody, absolutely nobody, can feel what you are going through when you are dealing with your loss. While some practices are just blunt and brutal, some families make it harder than it already is.

There were relatives who told me that all my Nanna wanted was to see his 31 year old daughter married and that he left without his dream being fulfilled. I was arguing with them that, yes, he wanted me to be married, but he also wanted me to be happy, that was more important to him than my marriage. There were some people who talked about assets and gold, and there were still others who were gossiping about what treatment could have been better, and some others who were complaining that there was no sugar in the coffee being served to visitors.

What irked me the most, but was also a moment of realization, was when two members in my Nanna’s family had a difference of opinion on the ritual protocol and they began to argue about whether the ‘meal offering’ must be placed at the head or at the foot of my father. That was it. I walked away, away from the wretched deathly hallows toward home, home that will never be the same anymore. I needed none of this bullshit. What I was going through was already extremely heart wrenching and to these people, this was some kind of an ego display theatrics.

This is the kind of negative energy you want to keep away. I feel that facing these situations, or involving yourself in them, even arguing with them to prove a point takes away from your loss. It makes your loss sit on the back burner. It makes trivial things appear more important, which isn’t the case clearly. Your loved one loved you very dearly. Let nobody tell you otherwise.

5. Find a Medium to Deal with your Grief:

This is very, very important. You need to let the pain out. The pain does not get any lesser if you do, this will stay with you and haunt you forever, but the letting out process eases the pain to a certain extent. You can choose whatever medium you want. Crying out loud in front of people, pouring out tons of silent tears while you are alone in bed or in the bathroom, confiding your pain in your friends, having long conversations with your family about the loss, going to grief support groups, reading books, reading books on dealing with grief, collecting pictures of your lost one, whatever works for you. But find that medium. One of my friends advised me that some people chose the wrong medium, like resort to alcoholism or doing drugs, only because that keeps the pain away, and that I shouldn’t take those up. Of course, so I don’t support mediums that cause self-destruction.

What helps me is talking about my loss. The pain it causes me, the unfair situation, the happy memories, and merrier times. I started to keep a journal and jot down all the little happy instances I can recollect. I want my future  kids, if I ever have them, to know my Nanna since they will not get to meet him in person. This post is a medium too.

My friends tell me I have become even more obsessed with cleaning. I am constantly cleaning the apartment and re-arranging furniture. I keep my appointments to the Ts and never cancel plans. It is my way toward some sort of satisfaction that I can still control some things, and that I will continue to control what I can since there clearly are things that are way beyond my controlling or fixing capability.

6. Let Each Person in your Family Deal in Their Own Way:

If this isn’t easy on you, it isn’t easy on your family either, your siblings and your mother, I mean. They could be in a far worse situation than you are. Do not put yourself in their shoes because you probably will never understand their pain even though you are all dealing with the same loss. Do not judge them or force them to confide in you. Just remember, in Rachel Green’s words, if you feel that it’s like there is rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then you, your family could be feeling the same, or they probably have a 150 feet of crap between rock bottom and them. Grief is so weird, it comes like alternating current, only there is no resistance, none at all.

What I am trying to say is; every human being is different. When the likes and dislikes are so vastly different between two individuals, how will two people’s modes of grieving be identical. It took me a few weeks to understand this.

When this great tragedy hit my family, my brother did not cry. For as long as I was there with him, he did not shed a single tear. I was very worried for him, worried that we would have to face a volcanic outburst due to all the over piled containment inside of him. I nudged him to cry, and offered him my shoulder to cry on, lent my ears to hear him out, and he did neither. He also refused to shave his head that was required as a part of the ritual. And when I asked why, he calmly said to me, ‘I do not want remember what I was made to do to him after he was gone, in the burial ground. If I shave my head, every time I look into the mirror, this is what I will remember.’ Reality hit me; I hadn’t even considered what the boys in our country, particularly Hinduism practicing families go through in these kinds of situations. It is just outright brutal. Of course, my brother was forced to shave his head anyway.

I simply said to him, ‘You don’t have to confide in me, as long as you have some medium or someone you feel comfortable enough to speak with, as long as you are unburdening the pain in some manner, I’m okay.’

7. The Ultimate Support System:

This could be your family, friends or simply acquaintances who are also grieving and know what it is to lose a parent. They are your backbone and you have to learn to recognize, and appreciate them.  Support comes in so many ways. Some people give you cards to console you and let you know they are there for you, some send you flowers, some friends come and meet you and stay with you, some of them, even if they aren’t physically there, say the right things you need to hear. Some simply ask the most mundane and banal questions that could mean the world to you. Every little effort matters and needs to be remembered. I always like to say, ‘Good friends clap their hands and cheer you through your ups but great friends hold your hand and pull you up through your downs.’

When I got the most devastating news of my life, a co-worker and friend hugged me real tight for I don’t know how long and asked if she could say a Christian prayer although she knew my Nanna was a Hindu, and I just hugged her back and shook my head in agreement.

An acquaintance who I barely know asked me, ‘Have you been getting any sleep and do you feel hungry at all these days?’ Such an inconspicuous question but it literally had me chocked. Because there are nights you cry yourself to sleep and yet can’t keep the pain away.

And to all these people who were my backbone, I made sure I told them how appreciated they were and how much their concern made some difference to my grieving processes.

8. It is okay to be Happy:

This is the trickiest one. There are times when you forget all this pain for some time and go back to being your old self. When you treat yourself. When you go shopping and buy yourself a new dress. When you go out on Friday night with friends and get drunk. When you simply turn off your mind and decide to go watch a newly released movie. When you take a vacation because you need a break. And this is okay. Do not be guilty about it. Ignore the judgmental looks people throw at you. Nobody decides for you about how you learn to survive, you do. You have been through a lot. And you don’t have to sit in the corner and cry all the time. If anything, your life isn’t going to stop because you choose to throw your hands up in the air and decide you’re done.  Your loved one never wanted you to brood all the time and waste your life. That wasn’t expected of you. Grief will last forever; you just have to learn to continue to do everything in life while you carry that void in your heart.

This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to write, but I just needed to put it out there because sometimes, I have felt extremely lonely and all I wished for was to hear from someone who was dealing with what I am going through. And yes, growing up sucks. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to being in 7th Grade where my biggest problems in life were fear of Gowri Ma’am and passing the Maths test.

For those of you who are interested, I chanced upon this website called Remembering With Roses. This company takes roses from events such as funerals, weddings, graduations, etc. and they have a recipe that makes the roses into long lasting, permanent black beads. They accept both fresh and dried roses and you can ship directly to them. I wanted to have something tangible from my Nanna, apart from myself, so I got a pendant made. When I wear it, I feel connected to him and it gives me a sense of protection from him, like he is over seeing me.

Here is the link: http://www.rememberingwithroses.com

October 21^st, 2016: Happy 64^th Birthday, Nanna. I love you.

“The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.”